So I may be guilty of being a materialistic bitch, and I may enjoy some of the finer things in life, but I’m sick of the drinking cup fad.
FINALLY, it felt so good to get that off my chest and I feel like it’s about damn time that someone said it! I don’t want to give you the wrong idea, I can’t necessarily afford the finer things--I’m still a #QueenwithHumbleEarnings, but I will treat myself to the occasional spray tan, manicure, eyelash extensions, palette etc. Should I be investing this money? Of course. Absolutely. If nothing else, I should at least be saving it, but that is for a different day. Moving on.
I also want to preface this with the fact that I was not a snob of a child like I may sound in this water bottle expose I have conjured up. Well, I’m not sure if it’s an expose, rant, or conspiracy theory yet… we shall see where this goes. Anyway, I was a very privileged kid and am so thankful for the blessings my parents were able to provide for me, in the forms of the necessities but also when it came to entertainment, tons of dance classes, vacations and a lot more. That being said, I wasn’t a total shit storm of a child, I had a few chores and would have the word “no” tossed my direction every once in a while. Long story short: My parents were great but weren’t the kind of parents that would buy me something “because everyone else had it” (and for that I am forever thankful).
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin.
Since I was in middle school, I have noticed that every few years there’s a new drinking cup that is just “all the rage.” I noticed it then, I noticed it throughout high school and college, and I notice it now with the dance kids I teach. I was never really one that just had to go with the crowd and fit in. I was by no means the quirkiest bitch on the block, but I did like being different. I played around with different fashion trends, hairstyles and especially makeup to ensure I stood out among the pack.
All that work however, and I’m sad to report that I was a sucker for a good cup trend. I wouldn’t dare be caught dead with a water bottle my mom copped off the Sam’s Club shelf, while everyone else flaunted their amazing, new *INSERT TIMELY DRINKWARE HERE.* By God I knew I had privilege but what the hell was that all about? The more I think about it the more I realize this cycle was seriously so messed up. You need exactly one water bottle, a single bottle for pretty much your entire life and these kids be walkin’ around with a new one every 6 months it seems. I don’t know if this was just my childhood or maybe it was the product of my problematic hometown but… I feel like this had to be universal. Maybe it was just the perfect combination of capitalism, great advertising and a little brainwashing? Whatever it was, here’s what I mean:
1. Squirt Bottles
Picture this: You’re in middle school, you spent the morning scrunching your hair and straightening your bangs. You throw on your trendiest graphic tee, probably plastering some store name like the beloved Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch, or (on a more humbling day) Aeropostale across your chest. Next, you shimmy into the skinniest jeans you can find, tie your jacket around your waist, pop on your Uggs, and you’re out the door. But wait, there’s something missing. Where’s the flavor, the spice? Where’s your squirt water bottle?
Oh yes, my middle school years were the peak of the squirt water bottle trend. Everyone who was anyone had a water bottle they could just squeeze, and a powerful stream of water would shoot into their mouths. Extra points were given to those that tipped their heads back and squirted their bottle from an arm’s length away.
For the Gals
This was the squirt bottle of the average girl. These were always a mystery to me with that weird, foil lined “insulation.” They would kind of crinkle when you squeezed them and looking back I’m confused how anyone could have managed to even get them clean.
For the Athletes
If you were an athlete however, I feel as though you should know where this is going. Yes, the Gatorade squirt bottles. These bad boys don’t need a lot of backstory other than the obvious correlation between their users and wearers of tall Nike socks and slides.
For the Commoners
Those that were unlucky enough to have either of previous reusable squirt bottles, or worse, had forgotten theirs at home, could always stab a freshly sharpened pencil so incredibly, violently hard into the lid of their plastic bottle to create the same effect. It wasn’t pretty, and the users of these bottles were probably drinking little tiny shards of pencil led, but hey, that’s called faking it until you make it and I appreciate the effort.
2. The Camelbak
This one caught on much faster, it was explosive. Overnight everyone had one of these plastic bottles in a unique color. The hard core girls even got them monogrammed with various colors of glitter vinyl (my mom didn’t have a Cricut, sad).
Let’s be real, these bottles were kind of not worth the price. At least the squirt bottles were priced under $5, not much of an expense for the parents. Although Camelbaks are now priced around $10, I distinctly remember they were somewhere around $20 at their peak popularity. I couldn’t find any info to back this up, other than my memory of having to pay for it myself at the Dick’s checkout counter because my mom thought the price was ridiculous. Then I of course had to add a $10 monogram. All of this for a bottle that didn’t keep my drink cold and sweated all over my desk at school. I had to keep that shit away from any paper, laptop, or iPad I was using.
Worth noting too that every year my dance team got a new monogrammed Camelbak as a team gift. We were supposed to take them to games and practices, but they never held enough water for a whole practice. Needless to say, I had a lot of these in my high school days.
3. Nalgene
I never had one of these so I don’t have much of an opinion on their performance. All I know is that they were very popular amongst the teen bible study crowd. You know, the same kids that wore Chacos, friendship ankle bracelets, and textured, hippie headbands. They were also popular among the teen hippies. The kids who hiked, biked, and were passionate about Sustainability Club. But it’s worth noting that the two of these groups had a lot of overlap at my school, which probably isn’t a shock.
The only other worthwhile mention of the Nalgene is that it did not keep your drink cold at all, and the owners plastered stickers all over their bottles. The Nalgene crowd was the first (on my official records) to do this, and it stuck with the next few generations.
4. Yeti
I think we can all agree that the Yeti boom was unreal. The day the Yeti was released it was chaos in the streets, or as much chaos as a single cup can create. Yeti-mania was the first time I had seen the drink fad affect people other than high school and college kids. I was in college at this point so they were HUGE on my campus, but they were huge among my parents and their friends too.
We’re talking a $50 cup that we all just “had to have,” wtf. Of course the Yeti tumblers are cheaper now, but they were all the rage then and people were willingly paying an absurd amount for them. Now, the $10 Ozark Trail is a solid, more affordable competitor but that wasn’t really an option at first. And when the Ozark Trail tumblers came out they didn’t stay on the shelves for long and were really tricky to find.
I, of course, had to have one of these bad boys and got the custom stickers from Etsy so that my “YETI” logos were pink instead of plain. These cups, while amazing at keeping your drinks cold and wouldn’t dare sweat, were seriously inconvenient to pack around campus. If you put it in the outside pocket of your backpack your drink would slosh around all over your legs and bag so you sort of had to just carry it with you. But really, this didn’t bother most of us because we could subtly flex the fact that we had a Yeti.
5. Hydroflask
It would be detrimental for me to forget about the Queen Bee herself, the Hydro Flask. The Hydro Flask, similar to the Yeti, amazes me. Not only did Hydro Flask’s rapid growth and marketing convince every child under the age of 20 that they needed one, but an entire group of young girls developed their entire personality from them (Cue the VSCO girls sksksksk).
It seems as though every dance student I have ever taught has one of these bottles. They always feature a friendship bracelet dangling from the handle, and are usually packed with stickers-something I can only attribute thanks to the Nalgeners for.
Hydro Flasks are actually pretty good quality products. They feature all of the best parts of the Yeti, but solve the sloshy slosh problem by adding a lid into the mix. Here are the two Hydro Flask features that piss me off.
A 32 oz. Hydro Flask is priced at a steep $44.99. Okay, we’ve seen $50 cups before, this is nothing to scoff at, right? WRONG. The straw lid, which is the only lid worth having, costs an additional $10.
Next, is the fact that once you purchase the bottle and lid combo, totaling up to $55 (without tax) they dent so easily! If I’m paying that much for a water bottle, it better be indestructible and surprise surprise it ISN’T!
As the current or previous owner of one of every bottle in the bunch (aside from a Nalgene) it’s safe to say that some of these investments are better than others. With everything going on in the world the bottle debacle is probably at the bottom of the list of concerns, rightfully so. But I am personally going to try and stop being persuaded by the newest trendy drinking cup, because truly, who has time and money for that? Maybe I’m just growing up and realizing the bullshit of it all or maybe it’s just because I’ve been drinking out of a wine glass more often than anything else in quarantine. Whatever the case may be, save your money and cheers, bitches.
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